My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Randomize