The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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