if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Randomize
