nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just found a bag of teeth...
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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