So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
