You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
