So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
