I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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