My liver just broke up with me...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
