Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
