I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize