Joe is yelling at the trees again.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
