I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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