dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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