Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
