lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize