I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
