Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I wear drunk well.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize