Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
