Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
