My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
