Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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