Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
