i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
