You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
