On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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