seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So many bounce houses so little time
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
