Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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