remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
