dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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