Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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