my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
