when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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