I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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