God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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