the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize