if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
