I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
