She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
