Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I think a kid would responsible me up
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
