This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
