So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
