I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize