you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
