My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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