i barfeds in our rink
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
