Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
