i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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