mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Randomize
