Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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