speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
