Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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