If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
