how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
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