Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My vagina is very pro this idea
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