Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
