get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
