Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
