First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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