Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
