so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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