and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize