I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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